A Satire on a Worldwide Epidemic
This article is a second-degree satire about a virus I can’t write the name of because Google believes it is fake news and de-indexes the blog.
Most elements in the story are inspired by real events. Check out Luc Montagnier for the SARS-HIV link (I didn’t make this up), and the Washington Post story on the laboratory.
In a complete reversal only seen in the greatest movies (Looper, 2012), the WHO, the FBI and one of these numerous European agencies whose official task remains as unclear as the purpose of an MSc in gender studies have finally uncovered the source of the virus after a long investigation that took them around the world several times.
Unlike what was stated recently, the virus did not start in the US but Wuhan, China, very close to the bat-free fish market initially designated as the origin of the germ.
The investigation has confirmed with a 99.69% certainty that the virus originated from the Wuhan Laboratory situated right next to the incriminated fish market. Here’s the story, an exclusivity from S.J. Williams, journalist at Born Millennials.
How it all happened
In May 2019, Wang Hui, a master’s student in biochemistry engineering, applied for an internship within governmental laboratories. Regarding his excellent track records, Wang was admitted to the level-4 security laboratory of Wuhan to participate in research on an AIDS vaccine.
Wang was presented to his mentor, Ho Li-Phuk as he started his internship in early September.
All went well during the first three months, Wang demonstrated excellent skills in analyzing and carrying around samples of dangerous viruses.
The purpose of the research was to test if some deactivated versions of a SARS virus could carry a molecule of Mr. Clean detergent that the president of the United States Donald J. Trump had uncovered as an efficient AIDS killer.
The results were promising! Until that fatal night.
On the 21st of November, Wang went out and got drunk with his friends. Upon leaving the bar, he started chatting with a cute girl and one thing leading to another, Wang ended up in her apartment.
As they were kissing on the bed, Wang was so excited that he accidentally broke his belt while taking off his pants. When he woke up the next day, Wang barely got the chance to write a cute thank you note to the girl, repair his belt, and left for work. It was on the 22nd of November.
That day, Wang and Dr. Li-Phuck were going to take out SARS viruses that had evolved in bats to make this version of the virus harmless and subsequently attach the Mr. Clean molecule to it.
Dr. Li-Phuck instructed Wang to go get the flask with the virus while he was preparing all the instruments.
Wang executed and as he was returning from the safe room, his belt broke yet again. Wang tripped and fell on the ground.
Confused, he looked around and realized that the flask was broken. Afraid of what could happen to him if his superiors were to find out, Wang quickly vacuumed the water with the virus inside and put it into another flask, before joining Dr. Li-Phuck.
“What took you so long?”, asked Dr. Li-Phuck. Wang didn’t answer.
As he touched Wang’s shoulder, Dr. Li-Phuck became the second person in the world infected with the virus.
The international investigators managed to uncover the story when they found the broken bottle in the laboratory.
Wang had thrown it away in the normal trash bin instead of the recycled glass bin.
After a couple of questions, Wang quickly admitted his mistake and apologized.
He said he would make sure it wouldn’t happen again.
It is at this stage unclear if Wang got a second date with the girl.
This story shows that the quote “a butterfly flaps its wing; a storm devastates Florida” can be true.
In this globalized world, our actions matter.
This is how a broken belt has unleashed a virus onto the world.